Substitute Nightmare

Here is another piece from the past. I only wish I had made this up….

Here in Montgomery, we have an incredible shortage of substitute teachers. We have developed a grueling test for potential candidates that we call the “Spoon Test.” Basically, we hold a spoon up to their mouths and noses. If it fogs due to breathing, we put ‘em on the list.

Recently, I had to take an afternoon off during standardized testing due to a death in my wife’s family. I went in for the testing, and then took off for the funeral. After testing, the schedule included 20 minutes in first block, 45 minutes or so in second block (my planning period), and a regular schedule for third and fourth blocks.

During the abbreviated first block, one of our assistant principals had a question for me, so she appeared in my classroom halfway through the 20 minute. The substitute, an elderly woman who is apparently substituting because her children think it would be a good way for her to stay active in her reclining years, had managed to call roll and then fall asleep already. This is pretty impressive considering that she had been in the room for less than fifteen minutes. (I later learned that when she had last substituted in a local junior high, she fell into such a sound sleep that the students moved her and her chair into the hall. She woke up as the bell rang and junior high kids began streaming around her.)

She managed to survive my planning period, but before she had a chance to pass out the worksheets to my third block class, some of my students had absconded with half of the SETS (yes, entire sets) of worksheets. Of the two students that she managed to report for bad behavior, one was an autistic student that rarely speaks unless he is picked on by other students. The students know this; they figured out long ago that all they had to do was call him “Coolio” (not his name) or ask if they can borrow one of his pencils. (He carries approximately 100 of them in a pencil bag. At the beginning of each class, he
performs a little ritual as he decides which one to use.) She noticed him responding to the prodding of the other students, but totally overlooked the students causing the trouble as well as my notes on the class. Had she bothered to read them, she would have known of his autism and the tendencies of a couple of troublesome students.

Fourth block, we had an incident. In a post-Columbine era, school security can never be stressed too much. When two unidentified males appeared in the school, an announcement was made: “We have an interloper in the building. Please lock your doors.”

My substitute locked the doors. She then proceeded to build a little barricade around my desk. The students said that she put the boxes and folding chairs up in a way that reminded them of the homemade forts of blankets and sofa cushions that many of them had made years before.

Then very quietly, she got under my desk and put the trashcan over her head. Needless to say, my students laughed harder at this little old woman under my desk with a trash can over her head than they had ever laughed at any movie or comedian. When they had regained their breath and were able to speak, they asked if she had any room for them.

“HELL NO!” she barked. “I don’t care about you. Go away!”

You know, deaths happen and funerals must be attended. I am asking everyone I know to please be considerate enough to die during the summer or possibly during the other conveniently arranged holidays. As for sick days, I have told Miranda to force me to school unless I am actually bleeding arterially.

And, by the way, if you know of anyone in the Montgomery area who might be interested in substitute teaching… let me know.