Welcome Me Back to the Blogosphere

Last week was fall break, and I did everything I could to become a vegetable. I think at one point, Miranda began to turn me towards sunlight. I didn’t develop any bedsores, but it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. Deeperwater.com was one of the many things I ignored last week. Forgive me?

Last week, Derek Webb released a new concert DVD. I am fascinated by this incredible singer / songwriter, and I have been for several years. When Derek first left Caedmon’s Call, he released a CD entitled She Must and Shall Go Free. For several months after the release of his first solo CD, Derek toured and did mostly house concerts. During these intimate gatherings, he recorded his second CD, The House Show. This served as a chronicle of his first solo tour. Last fall, Derek released his second studio CD, I See Things Upside Down. He toured with a full band this time, and one of the shows was filmed for his DVD that just released, How to Kill and be Killed. In essence, this DVD serves as a chronicle for Derek’s tour in support of I See Things Upside Down.

One of the songs from Derek’s latest two CDs and the DVD seems to be haunting me lately. Allow me to paste the lyrics below before I comment any further.

“I Repent”

I repent of my pursuit of America’s dream
I repent of living like i deserve anything
My house, my fence, my kids, and my wife
In our suburb where we’re safe and white
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent of parading my liberty
I repent of paying for what I get for free
the way I believe that I am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent judging by a law that even I can’t keep
Wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through
the planks in my own eyes

I repent of trading truth for false unity
I repent of confusing peace and idolatry
of caring more of what they think than what I know of what they need
and domesticating You until You look just like me
I am wrong and of these things I repent

There are so many things about this song that simply kick my teeth down my throat. I could camp out here for a while, but instead, I am going to focus on just the second verse. Meditate for yourselves on the rest of the song and see if you don’t end up needing dental work!

“I repent of paying for what I get for free” – You know, when we try to pay someone for a gift they have given us, it is just plain insulting. So why do we respond that way with God? Why do we try to earn His favor, His love, His affections? Why don’t we just accept that which is given and do our darndest to live lives of true gratitude? Could it be because we are immediately suspicious of anything that is free?

“The way I believe that I am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide” – Wow. This pretty much sums up the lie that I know I have bought into. You know the one that says, “Spiritual formation means trading in your easily recognized sins for ones that are easier to hide. Growing as a Christian means modifying your behavior to the point that you appear to have all your crap together because you have learned to lie really, really well.” I am not sure when I grew so tired of living that lie, but I know that I can do it no longer.

I am a Christian, a believer, a pursuer of God in the ways of Christ. Not only that, but I am an ordained minister who has had the privilege of serving several different churches, and I have spoken in front of literally thousands of people across the southeast. Apparently, somebody thinks I have something to say worthy of hearing. (Sometimes, I wonder.)

I am also a sinner. I am not speaking hypothetically here. In a very real way, I make bad choices. I don’t have my crap together, and I don’t much like pretending that I do. I can identify with Paul when he says in the New Testament that he ends up doing the things he hates and not doing the things he wants to do. Yep, that is my battlecry.

I am tired of the lies that I have carefully constructed to impress those around me. I am tired of the facade. I want to live honestly, I want to be transparent. I want to share with those around my deepest struggles, my deepest hurts… so that they, too, will be free to share theirs.

Lies breed lies, you know. My lies mate up with your lies; my facade grows stronger because I am inspired by the mask that you wear. Could it be that honesty breeds honesty? Could my transparency result in your transparency?

Could it start with me?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no more strength to pretend. I want to surround myself with people who long to share their journeys with others… who long to be a part of a community of honesty, for only when we are honest can spiritual formation take place. When we are honest about our struggles with others, they can help us to struggle well.

Let us struggle well together, gentle reader. Let us struggle well.