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A Response to My Bride

Posted by on April 24, 2006

Before you read further, you might want to read this. Otherwise, I just sound mean.

When the trash can is overflowing, you have to take the trash to the outdoor trash can for it to be picked up.
I am aware. I had considered asking the local garbagemen to come into the house and collect it themselves, but they look somewhat seedy. Not to mention the fact that I can’t even get them to pick up large items left beside the trash can because they don’t actually fit inside the can.

You have to actually plug in the vacuum & move it around the room for it to work.
Is that why it makes a noise when you use it but remains mysteriously silent when I have tried? Duly noted.

Clothing has to be put in the washing machine for them to be cleaned. Placing the clothes in the dirty laundry basket is a good place to start.

Children under the age of 5 do not actually clean up after you nor themselves.
I am trying to train them to do better at picking up my stuff for me. Why do you think I agreed to have the little tax deductions in the first place? I knew you were getting tired of cleaning up behind me and I can’t look at you and say, “Because I said so, that’s why!” I am really trying to build character in our children. Please support me in this.

When you are finished using an item (ex: hairbrush, toothpaste, etc), put the item back where it belongs. Then, next time you need it, it will be located where you can find it.
Wherever I put it / drop it / take it off = where it belongs. I always look for stuff wherever I left it, so if you would stop messing with my system, I would appreciate it.

If it is a piece of trash (ex: wadded up tissue, empty soda can) throw it into the trash can.
How do I know if it is trash? I might actually need some of this stuff again. Once I have determined that I have exhausted all possible uses for an item, I will throw it away. I promise.

If the counter is sticky, wipe it with a damp cloth.
I think the hamster (aka – Booger) did that, and I am trying to teach him to clean up after himself. I will talk to him about this.

If the floor has bits of food or trash on it, use a broom to sweep it up.
Then what would the hamster have to eat?

If there are toys everywhere, pick them up & place them in the toy baskets.
But then how would the kids ever find them?

If there are bits of trash & leaves on the carpet, the vacuum will get this up.
And again I am asking… what would Booger have to eat?

If you lose a kid in the yard because the grass is too tall, it may be time to cut the grass.
I know, but the four-year-old isn’t tall enough to push the mower yet. Until she grows, we will just have to go for the natural look. Look at it this way… I am doing all I can to keep sky-rocketing property values in our neighborhood within reason.

There is not a button on the T.V. remote control labeled cleaning mode.
Well, not literally. I told you last night that I tried to be a sensitive husband this weekend. You always complain about how big a mess I make the house, so I spent every minute possible either on the couch or in the bed watching TV. By being as sedentary as possible, I was trying to keep the house as clean as possible. Once again, you never appreciate what I do for you.

When the dishwasher is overflowing, you may actually have to turn it on & run the clean cycle. Also, after the cleaning cycle is finished, the clean dishes have to be taken out & put away in the correct cabinet.
Putting up dishes makes no sense as I am only going to get the dishes out of the cabinet at some point. I am short and the dishwasher is easier to reach. Putting up dishes is as senseless as making up a bed that I am only going to get back into.

****This reply was in no way, shape, or form a response to my oh-so-sarcastic bride.

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